The Journey Back

Have you ever doubted your abilities? Have you looked at someone else and thought, “I wish I could...but I couldn’t?” Self doubt - it haunts some, it stops others, it teases and plays with our minds. It limits our abilities and stops us from grabbing hold of life and enjoying the ride. The past twelve months for me has been a hard journey to make. I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and feelings. I had never felt so low. I had never experienced this before. During this time, I saw myself as worthless and having nothing to offer. I have questioned God, yelled at him, cried like a baby and struggled to find purpose and direction for my life. If God loved me, why have I had to endure this? Life was less than fair.

Emotionally fragile, questions ran through my mind as I tried to justify, understand and come to terms with what I was facing and feeling. Not coping was an understatement. Honestly, I don’t know how my husband and family coped with me. I was on a rollercoaster that had reached the top of Space Mountain and was destined to plummet all the way to the bottom in darkness. I was losing control. My insides were so churned and twisted that there was no up. Everyday my mind taunted me with guilt, worthlessness and the feelings of failure. Failure was an issue I have struggled with for a lifetime. Never good enough and this just cemented those feelings further.

During those darkest times, I sat in the corner of my bedroom and literally cried out to God for peace. I knew He was there, I knew that He cared and I needed Him to show me the way back from this. I needed to know that He was walking beside me and had this covered, as there was no human way that I was going to make it on my own.

What I discovered is that God had never moved. I had. He was the same God that drew me in as a teenager. In the madness and chaos of life as a wife and mother, I had moved my position. His was still the same. As I prayed for forgiveness, peace and direction, he revealed himself. Through his word, I saw that he allowed this journey to bring me back to him. God doesn’t always give us what we want - He gives us what we need.

The journey is far from over and now I am excited about what lies ahead. Doors are opening, direction is once again returning and I no longer feel as though I have nothing to offer this world. Those issues that were mountains are now behind me. I can move forward knowing that God has a plan and I know that whatever I face, good or bad, I am not alone. When you next face your mountain...remember to ask for help and be prepared to accept that God may not have been the one that put you there, but he will climb that mountain with you.